What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 01:05
But, we were locked up after school.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My life is so biszare .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Comes on , in middle age.
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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All the time i was locked up.
I was 9 years of age.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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Would this be the day?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Put me off passion for life!!
I think the readers, may guess!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
How do I get my body in shape?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why is it difficult to get a job?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Who then, do I blame.?
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As i do to all so called friends.?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She married twice! .
I waited trembling.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He resisted the act ,that day.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I said to her
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And i lived it daily.
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I write beautiful poetry .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She loved him until the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im still living with it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was in good health!
I was scared of men, in general
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I will be 64.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it wasn’t much.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One cannot live in the past .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My family never makes their pension either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So, i spoilt her more .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I have no regrets .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She wouldn,t have been !
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
What did i know ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We were not on the streets..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I don,t even have a pension.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So whats the point in blame.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He knew the spot.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I could never make a relationship work though!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
This is soul school!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
We all went to grammer schools
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was very sick at this time too.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Ive learnt so much.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She found it foreign!.
It was going to be , some day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Was to survive, this bastard.